Monday, August 24, 2015

Muffler underpants with odor protection

Ok, I'll admit it; I've been experiencing a creative slump.  The only good thing about a slump is when you have that euphoric moment when a good idea suddenly ellipsis your path.  For me it was a quick walk through Crossings Park... I started to think about how I could break free from my slump, maybe try something new that might bring some value to my routine.  I thought about a recent mailing from the South Colonie Continuing Education which included offerings of Yoga.  I've never tried Yoga, but have started to read Yoga Self Taught.  I believe Yoga may have some promise in regards to providing both a new experience for me and some long term value.  Specifically, I believe Yoga may provide an additional tool to address stress and anxiety.  Well then, signing up would seem to be a no brainer, so what's stopping me...

Well aside from the obvious being shear laziness, the apathy of my OFS (old fart syndrome) hasn't fully eroded some few remaining remnants of vanity.  My wife's first response when I expressed interest in taking a Yoga class was, "you'll be the only guy in the class."  Sadly, this would likely be true but even with my middle age plus jiggle of 15 or so extra pounds, that alone would not deter me.  To be blunt, my greatest fear in undertaking said endeavor is that I would leave no doubt about literally being an old fart - yes, I do have a fear of flatulence.  Yup, I'm a gassy person and age has not helped.  Yes, I realize there are products such as "Beano" which is supposed to help... I'm not comfortable relying on such a remedy.  Often I have received input that I "just need to eat the right things."   I'm still trying to figure out what the right things would be.  It seems that any nutritious, green leafy type vegetable will contribute to gas.  Further, I have diverticulosis and if I listen to all the people who tell me what not to eat for that condition and then cross reference it to what I'm told not to eat for gas, I'm down to eating noodles with a multivitamin...yummy!  Yes, I have mentioned it to my doctor.  His response was about as helpful as my informal support..."some people are just naturally more gassy...".  (Nothing like getting your co-pay's worth of wisdom).

So I think I've reached the flatulent juncture of the Serenity Prayer where I accept the gas that I cannot do anything about and which brings me to this brilliant idea - muffler underpants.   Why is it that leakage (incontinence) has gotten all the attention.  If you Google "incontinence underwear" you will find many providers... now try Googling, "muffler underpants".  Frankly, I was surprised to find some offerings of underwear promising to filter the silent but deadly fart.  While I found this encouraging, filtering the stink is only half the battle and I suspect none of those ladies in my prospective Yoga class will be reassured if a loud one slips out of me midways of a Yoga pose.  (Don't worry ladies, I'm wearing my fart filter today...).  No, let's get real; what is needed is underwear that both muffles the sound and filters the stink.  Yes, it needs to be the Reese's Peanut Butter cup of underpants to solve this problem.

Just for fun, I did some Google sleuthing to ascertain some possible starting points.  I quickly found that there are acoustic curtains and blankets to help reduce noise.  A few additional searches identified space age technology being applied to develop clothes as a cooling system.  Continued searching again exposed more options for "fart pads" and linings for underwear to filter odor, but thus far no solution to alleviate the sound of flatulence.  For all you inventors out there, here's a challenge sure to get you on Shark Tank.  In the meantime, I'll need to carefully consider whether to roll the dice with flatulence and enroll in Yoga or just plain chicken out.

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