Sunday, September 23, 2012

G's 2012 Irreverent Prez Analysis

Well, it seems New York is once again left out of the mix when it comes to "states that matter" in another Presidential election, considered to be "in the bag" for the Dems.  Such is the plight of solid “blue” states or “red” states who are regularly ignored as the candidates pander to those “swing” states.  In the spirit of helping those decision making states, I have put together this very important analysis of presidential categories and qualities that truly matter.

To take this to an analytical level, you can apply these scoring techniques which I have applied in a table following my discourse:
  • Weigh each category by importance 0 (not important at all) to 3 (really important).
  • Score each candidate on the categories below on a scale of 0 (Not at all) to 5 (Excels).  
  • Multiple category weight by the category score, then sum your scores.

So now that you are equipped with an objective (snicker) strategy, I offer you these well thought out areas for exploration, discussion and scoring:

Best singer:    Entertainment is a very important Presidential quality... who wants a President who puts you to sleep?  Mitt you weren't bad, but it would take a lot to top Barack who has jammed on a couple occasions, including with BB King and Mick Jagger.  Obama you rock!

Best hair:  Sorry, Barack.  Four years has turned you too gray whereas Mitt hasn't been beat up enough so he still has that distinguished "touch of gray" thing going for him... I have to give this one to Mitt by a nudge.

Best plan for health care:  Well the Prez is noted for "Obamacare," but wait Mitt had the same plan... but he has to keep that a secret.  Whoops, it seems, I've let the cat out the bag.  Although "Obamacare" has cost me more money (which I am none too happy about), it is my feeling that the issue of health care cannot be ignored.  Trying to do something is better than keeping your head in the sand; repealing the health care initiative is tantamount to returning to "doing nothing".  For this reason, I am compelled to score those with the courage to attempt change higher than those that who would do nothing.

Best bullshit artist or if you prefer, "most persuasive":  This is a particularly important field.  Reagan set the gold standard; as an actor he was well cut out for the part.  Jimmy Carter was one of the most upstanding and honest of men to become President, but let's face it, he was a terrible bullshitter and lackluster as a President.  George H.W., a WWII hero, but not so good with bullshit...similarly John McCain, Vietnam war POW & hero and terrible bullshitter.  Bill Clinton, aka "Bubba" and George W. both great bullshitters and both successfully re-elected... see how this works?  This field was a tie between Barack and Mitt, so I am going to extend this field to the VPs.   Joe Biden can bullshit by just flashing his smile... I could definitely see Joe selling used cars (honest that 150,000 mile car was only driven on Sunday by a little old lady to church)... or perhaps a finalist in the Big Brother house.  Paul Ryan may be ahead of the pack here..."misspeaking" about his true marathon time... Definitely showing an ability to bullshit while massaging a little "healthy & vibrant" as espoused in my next category.

Sexiest:  Yes, I know it’s risqué for a guy to evaluate other males in this category as it brings out all the homophobes, but let’s face it, sexy matters.  (If you prefer you can call this the "Healthy & Vibrant" category).  This category has its roots since TV entered mainstream campaigns.  Let’s face it, Kennedy didn’t win entirely on his “eloquence”… look at JFK, now look at a picture of Nixon…need I say more?  Hillary, if you’re out there, take some notes here… you’ve been looking a bit frumpy lately.  I definitely recommend a make-over if you have any hopes for 2016.  Unfortunately, I need to defer a decision in the category.  I am inviting both candidates (and anyone who wants to make my day) to go ahead and sext me, please.  Until then, I think we all need to move toward a constitutional amendment so we can elect Prince Harry… at least this is a guy who knows how to Party naked...I bet if the Queen had jumped from the helicopter naked those Olympics would have truly been memorable...(and why do I keep having this visual of a naked Queen descending from the heavens being overtaken by Keith Richards who inquires, "Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?"  And as for you Kate, who wants to see your boobs, anyways...but alas, I digress and pull back from the UK to the US...)

Best foreign policy:  Mitt your journey abroad was entertaining and this country needs a good laugh so I place this field much tighter than is widely judged.  I also empathize that you are saddled under the GOP cloud of 2 wars.  However, the clear winner here is Bang Bang Obama.

Most desirable "We'll do lunch candidate":  Barack, I'd do beer and BBQ with you any day... For those who would dismiss this as a frivolous category,  I will add that I applied the top weight to this category.  This category speaks to the "approachability" factor - is the candidate in touch with the "commoners" or is he simply a man who would be king?

Best dope smoker:  Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I want to express that this category may be a bit more complex and revealing than appears on the surface.  I consider this area a measure of "edginess".  Is the candidate able to explore (and maybe cross) boundaries?  Are they prepared to "walk on the wild side" because the role of being President is unlike any other.  While there have been many Presidents who have not had "the edge," the best certainly had something beyond ordinary.  This category is also a measure of perspective - does the candidate have the capacity to explore more than one dimension?  There are many very successful one dimensional individuals.  Many engineers apply a series of very complex one dimensional thinking to solve very complex issues.  However, it is my assertion that the best Presidents have been poly dimensional thinkers.  I recall reading something about Barack cruising in the "shroomobile" in Hawaii.  This suggests to me  potential to explore beyond the dictated norm.  Mitt, perhaps you should consider inhaling.

Best job creator & portfolio manager:  Mitt, you sweep this field here, please help me...but I don't want job creation; I just want the money minus the job please.  Maybe you can coach me on "investment income?"

Most Presidential Sounding Name:  The local political hacks had fun 4 years ago with their misprinting "Obama" as "Osama"... (Barack, it's a good thing you trounced John McCain in the bullshit and sexy categories)... any-who, you've now established "Obama" as a Presidential name!  Kudos.  But are we ready for a "Mitt"?  This sounds too much like "Muffy" or "Buffy" to me - I just get an image of a snobby collegiate with a sweater tied around his neck flapping off his shoulders... not a presidential image yet.

Does Religion Matter?  This could be a fun one... the crazies to the far right (yup, among them those looking for birth certificates), will insist Obama is a Muslim regardless of what he says... the funny thing is this same group of crazies probably aren't too excited about voting for a Mormon either so you need to let your conscience be your guide in rating this category.

This is how I score it using the thoughts above:

Category Weight Barack Barack
Mitt Mitt
Best Singer 2 5 10 3 6
Best Hair 1 3 3 4 4
Best Plan for Health Care 3 2 6 1 3
Best Bullshit Artist 3 5 15 5 15
Sexiest 2 Deferred Deferred Deferred Deferred
Best Foreign Policy 3 4 12 2 6
Most desirable "We'll do lunch candidate" 3 5 15 2 6
Best dope smoker 1 2 2 0 0
Best job creator & portfolio manager 2 2 4 4 8
Most Presidential Sounding Name 1 2 2 1 1
Religion 0 3 0 3 0
Totals 69 49